without him i feel his arms around me
by collegefangirl3791
Summary: A sad little conversation between Rey and Kylo post-TLJ. Some angst and pining, a convo, and Rey POV. Talk about why they both did what they did in the throne room. They both wish they didn't have to fight each other anymore. Written for a Valentines Day fic exchange.


_Written for the-reylo-void_ _for the RFFA More Than Love Fic Exchange_

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without him i feel his arms around me

They'd been trying to ignore each other for a long time now. Or at least, Rey felt like it was a long time - it had been a month, and although the Force had connected them eleven times (she was counting), they hadn't spoken once. Although she could feel his emotions as intimately as she felt her own, they didn't speak. There wasn't anything left to say. He'd chosen a path she could never follow, so what could she do? He'd left her like everyone else before him had, and it was hard not to be angry at him for that.

Today she was just curling up on her bunk for a nap when the world went still, hushed quiet replacing the sounds from the hallway outside, and she could hear his breathing and feel, soft, his Darkness.

She didn't move, although she knew now that she wouldn't be able to sleep, not with the awareness of him prickling at the back of her mind.

How he felt seemed to vary from day to day, or even moment to moment. The Dark Side seemed, at times, to swallow him, and all she felt was anger. Sometimes though, he felt lonely and sad and lost, and she knew he wanted her comfort, but she couldn't give him that.

He'd chosen this, and it was his own fault.

Today he was lonely again, and she felt him wanting to talk, wanting to reach out. She curled up smaller in her bed and tightened her fingers in the blanket. She wouldn't talk to him. Not really because she didn't want to, but because it would hurt too much to let herself trust him again.

To her surprise, she sensed him come closer, and then her mattress dipped and she froze, stomach seizing, eyes snapping shut tight. She knew he would be able to tell she was awake.

He didn't touch her. "Rey," he said, and the whisper was harsh and shakey. She felt how nervous he was, how vulnerable. Still, she didn't want to answer. She didn't want to talk, she didn't want to risk it.

So she just shook her head, wrapping her arms around her stomach.

She felt him hurt, and that was almost enough to make her answer him, it was just... What good would it do? She'd have to fight him soon, and that would already be painful enough.

"Rey, please. I just want... I just want to talk."

If only he wouldn't sound like that, like the lost, hurting man he was, like he missed her. She missed him.

"Leave me alone, please," she whispered.

"Rey-"

"I can't, Ben, okay?" she said, twisting around and looking at him. She couldn't quite meet his eyes, so instead she focused on his stupid big nose. "I can't do this." She felt vulnerable, but if she sat up, it was admitting she expected to talk to him, admitting that she was going to engage in this with him.

And she couldn't.

He sighed, and then he stood and turned to walk away and that caught her. She shoved herself up on her elbows and her eyes snapped up and oh. He was still looking at her, over his shoulder, and stars his eyes were heavy.

She stared at him, and she wished she didn't care so much, wished she could just turn her back on him, close a door.

But she couldn't.

He turned back and took a small step closer, silent, watching her. She could tell he was waiting for her to tell him to leave her alone again, but... but she didn't want to.

Carefully she pushed herself upright, swinging her legs out of bed and setting her feet on the floor. "What do you want?" she asked, trying to sound detached. It didn't quite work.

Now that she was listening, he didn't seem to know how to talk anymore. He swallowed, his jaw tightening, and clenched his gloved hands into fists. "I'm sick of not talking to you."

The weight of the statement hung between them, surprising.

"I... Me too," she admitted quietly.

He stepped a bit closer, and she stood, and there was so much she wanted to say. All she did say, though, was, "If you're going to try to convince me to come join you, you can forget it."

"I'm not."

"Okay." She didn't realize how worried she'd been about that until her breaths came a little easier. "I miss you," she added, looking down.

He didn't answer, although she felt something soft and knowing from him. He knew she did, and he missed her too.

"Why did you have to do that, Ben?" she asked, quietly, and she sensed anger flash hot. "I just mean… You saved me. I just wanted us… You said I wasn't alone." And then you left me, she added to herself. You asked me to do what I never could.

Kylo shook his head, once again moving towards her, and there was that seeping Darkness again, but it didn't worry her so much today. "I wasn't going to go to the Resistance." His voice was bitter. "They would have put me in a cell."

"And I would have had to watch my friends die. Because you weren't going to stop the attack, were you?" She'd realized it the moment he had ignored there and stood staring at Snoke's corpse. He'd asked her to let her friends die, like they shouldn't matter to her. But they didn't deserve that, and even though… even though she cared about him, she would never choose him over Finn and Leia and her values.

"No," he said, low and determined.

"So I couldn't stay."

"And I couldn't go."

Her asking him hadn't been enough. Her willing him to change, her determination that he would turn, hadn't been enough. She wasn't sure how to feel about that – maybe it was better that way. She was just afraid, afraid of having to fight him again, and of what he might still become.

She sighed and looked down, feeling inexpressibly tired. Nothing had been going right, and this was just one more thing. She shouldn't have talked to him.

She both heard and felt him take a few more steps closer and she wished he'd just stop doing that. It made her want to run away. "Please don't," she said quietly. "This was a mistake. I just… This isn't going to make things any easier for us." When she looked up at him again, he nodded slowly. They were close enough now that they could reach out and take each other's hands. If they wanted to. Which Rey wished she didn't.

He felt so, so lonely. Rey couldn't seem to stop staring at him, and she knew if she wasn't careful, she was going to cross a self-imposed line.

"I can let you go back to sleep," Kylo said, but he sounded uncertain too – she knew he could feel how she was wavering.

"I should," she told him. "I'm tired."

"Me too. I hate…" He hesitated. "I hate doing this."

He didn't elaborate on what "this" was and Rey was a little afraid to ask.

"You said I wasn't alone," she said again, watching him closely for a response. "You don't have to be either."

She felt him get angry, and realized he'd misunderstood "I'm not coming back."

"I know. I just meant… I guess… I don't know." She sighed and turned her back on him. "I just don't want to keep ignoring you. It's still going to hurt when we fight again, whether we talk or not."

"Oh." Kylo was quiet, although she sensed he understood what she was saying, but there wasn't much hope or relief that seemed to come with that. "We shouldn't," he said, and his voice was rougher and deeper. There was a surge of Darkness, and Rey understood.

"You think that will make you weak," she said, turning around again. "Don't you?"

He didn't answer, but his feelings were clear on the matter.

So that was it again, wasn't it? He just wanted power, and that was always going to matter more to him than… than she was. That shouldn't hurt her so much, but it did. She nodded and crossed her arms. "Fine. We don't have to talk. I'm going to lay down."

It seemed like he was just going to let her. She swallowed against a lump in her throat and got back into her bed, trying not to let him feel how disappointed she was. Why did she do this? Why had she tried to talk to him, tried to get back what they'd lost? She'd been right to ignore him all this time, she'd-

"I'm sorry." It was so soft she almost thought she'd imagined it at first. She rolled over anyway though, and found Kylo kneeling on the floor next to her bunk, at eye level with her.

Rey sighed and sat up again, pulling her legs up to her chest. "Me too."

"I don't know what I'm doing," he said, his lips quirking just slightly upward in something like a smile.

"Me neither. I can't do all this. I can't… can't fight you."

There was along moment of silence after she said that, and while she didn't quite regret it, she wished she hadn't said it so certainly. She twisted the blanket between her hands while anxiety twisted her stomach into knots. What if she made a mistake? He could use that against her.

But he just swallowed and, holding her gaze almost defiantly, said, "I don't want to have to fight you, either."

And maybe Rey should have tried to get him to turn again. Maybe she should have told him to come to the Resistance, to let her help him, something. But she couldn't, because he'd trusted her, and because the last thing she wanted was to lose this again.

Even if it meant it would hurt more when they did have to fight. Even if it meant she'd be left more alone than ever.

She didn't want to keep pretending she didn't care about him, because she did. So she nodded, smiling at him.

She felt the bond slipping, and suddenly he reached up, gloved fingers brushing against her hands where they clung to her blanket.

"Rey…"

"Ben," she whispered, as he vanished from her mind, taking his loneliness and Darkness with him.

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 **A/N: The title of this fic is from On My Own from Les Mis because all we need in our lives is combining that song with Reylo.**

 **I maintain that the Force Bond only transmits emotions and feelings, not actual thoughts. Anyway, that's not too important.**

 **Please leave a review!**


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